It’s OK to Lose without being a LOSER

This past weekend I attended the Georgia High School Wrestling Championships held at the Gwinnett Civic Center, Duluth, Georgia. It was heralded as the largest high school wrestling venue in the United States. I like wrestling. It requires strength, quickness, endurance, intelligence, and mental toughness. The sport doesn’t build character as much as it reveals character.

At the end of the match each wrestler goes to the center of the match, shakes hands with their opponent, and the referee raises the hand of the winner. Then each wrestler goes to their opponent’s coaching staff, shakes their hand, and proceeds to their respective coaches for congratulations or commiserations. The coaches of the respective wrestlers shake hands as well.

After three full days of watching hundreds of matches I was disappointed at the level of sportsmanship. On completion of the match I saw some wrestlers look at each other, smile, and shake hands; some even hugged. However, in a large majority of matches the wrestlers shook hands without looking at their opponent. In addition, on a number of occasions there was overt unsportsmanlike behavior exhibited such as failure to shake hands, throwing headgear, and screaming obscenities.

It is difficult to look someone in the eye and acknowledge that today they prevailed. Exhibiting good behavior honors you, your teammates, your coaches, and your family. Moreover, people admire good behavior especially when your character is being tested. Acceptable standards of sportsmanship should be an integral part of learning the sport. It should be taught at an early age and reinforced by coaches, parents, and teammates with consequences for slip ups. If no action is taken then kids think their behavior is acceptable. It is not!

One would think that wrestlers competing in a grueling match had expended all their energy. Obviously there was enough in the tank to throw headgear and scream…well maybe all the wasted energy would have been better spent directed to their opponent just a few minutes earlier. Champions lose on occasion but they never lose the lesson.

So… what are you good at?

There was always down time with the players whether it was waiting to take the field for practice, waiting before a game, or waiting with them to make sure they had a ride home. During those times I learned a lot about them, their parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters.

Looking back on those conversations something stuck with me. One of my favorite questions to them was “So, what are you good at”: They would answer without a missing a beat. I’m good at this and I am good at that they went on to say. Often some of the other players chimed in as well. “Coach John, he is also good at this and he also good at that. The conversations for the most part were always positive. It was a fun way to pass the time until their parents came for them. Over the course of the season without prodding they would volunteer what they weren’t good at. However, their self reported talents far outnumbered their works in progress. Moreover, their responses would help me plan practice strategies to overcome their works in progress. And when their so called works in progress were talents well that will always be the fun thing about coaching.

When it was time to interact with the big kids, the ones I supervised, downtown I asked them the same question. They would look at me as though an ambush was a coming. I would press on with the same question, “so what are you good at?’ They would stare at me, size me up, and when the silence was overwhelming and the staring was uncomfortable they responded rather defensively. “Well duh ….I’ m a physician, an engineer, a toxicologist, engineer, an administrative assistant”.

“Your parents must be very proud of you”, I would respond and then remind them that I was aware of their job title but wanted more information. As I expected, they were reluctant to share that with me. It became a very good interview question for prospective applicants as well as a good team building question.

A seven year old boy can talk about his talents until I am ready to shave again but a thirty something big kid cannot. Why? So,………………… can you tell me what you’re good at?

Every Action has a Consequence Even no Action

Coach John: Our coach plays favorites. He doesn’t substitute players and continues to reward his favorites even when they make mistakes and exhibit bad behavior like throwing bats, gloves, and screaming remarks to the umpire or the opposing team. We are somewhat reticent to approach him for fear of making it worse. Do you have any suggestions?


Answer: Often the park’s board of directors implements standards for play. For example, no one player will sit out two innings until every child sits at least one inning. In addition, your coach should develop, implement, and in most cases adhere to standards. Board of Directors or their designee (i.e., league coordinator) should monitor standards. After all what you expect is what you should inspect.

For a manager developing and implementing standards is an important key to team unity. For example when I work with a pitcher he and his parents know walking three batters in any given inning will win him a seat on the bench. Moreover, the number of pitches a player throws is monitored as well because it is a game. The player is aware of how he will be objectively judged. The same standards can be given regarding errors, missed signs, and signals etc. Of course there will be extenuating circumstances but an explanation to the team and their fans is helpful.

Behavior issues are addressed at the first practice. I call this the “The meeting on the grass.” I invite the parents to listen to my expectations as well. “You can’t have respect for me or your coaches if you do not have respect for yourselves.” Please understand I love fire and passion but only when it is channeled into productive endeavors. Throwing a bat or screaming at an adult is not a productive endeavor and there has to be consequences of unwanted behavior. Believe it or not some folks need to be told that this is truly unwanted behavior. Therefore, this has to be addressed and the consequences understood before the children step on the field. In addition, opportunities for conflict resolution or rules of engagement between parent and coach need to be discussed and agreed upon as well.

How a manager should interact with a player is dependent on many factors (e.g., age, experience, and demeanor). Remember the key to minimizing inequities is the consistency of your actions in addition to showing love, discipline, and respect because They’re watching….

SHARED EXPECTATIONS

Involvement is a key factor for success but if you don’t define your success it leads to unmet expectations and frustration. This is a problem seen over and over in the ballpark and in the boardroom. The important question to ask is “Do we have consensus or at least an understanding of our collective expectations?”

One season from hell cured me of this malady. The season was not very enjoyable. In fact it was painful. The parent involvement piece was there but there was never a meeting to discuss shared expectations. That was my fault.

From then on I would hold meetings at the local library meeting room. It was a parents only meeting. I would arrive before hand and arrange the chairs in a semi circle. On each chair I put an agenda along with names of the players, their parents, and appropriate phone numbers. In addition, the agenda had a purpose: To meet each other, understand parent expectations and coach’s philosophy for the upcoming season, and to assign parent duties.

The first order of business was to have each parent introduce themselves, identify their player, and answer one question; “What would constitute a successful season for your child?” The overwhelming response was to have fun, make new friends, and learn the game. In all my years of coaching I can’t recall any parent saying they wanted to win a championship.

Then it was my turn to discuss my expectations and philosophy that included behavior by the children and the parents during the season as well as how we would address potential conflicts. Individual issues regarding health problems (i.e. diabetes, epilepsy, etc.), bad experiences, and other need to know stuff was discussed in private.

From time to time we had to remind each other why we, the parents and I, were here: for the children to have fun, make new friends, learn the game.
How I applied this lesson to the big kids is for the next blog.

Parent Involvement

The lesson from the Ft Stewart military experience has stayed with me. The
MBA courses later reinforced this experience. Both experiences
emphasized subordinating yourself to the product. For the most part if the
product was good there would be success. The shift to interdependency was
difficult but over time better results ensued.

I applied my new found knowledge to the ballpark. I involved the parents mostly the dads. If a dad came to practice I would find him an assignment overseeing a drill whether it was throwing batting practice, hitting ground balls, warming up a pitcher, etc.

During games, there was a dad to coach first base, one for third base, one to keep order in the dugout, one to make sure every child got to play, and another to keep me sane. There was a dad to keep the scorebook and another to keep statistics on the boys. There were dads to line and rake the fields and to make sure the equipment (i.e. pitching machine) was in good working order.

The moms were somewhat reticent to get involved in the field activities. However, there was a role to keep them involved. There were moms to develop a snack schedule, order uniforms, and plan a team party. There were moms who worked the score board, fixed cuts, scrapes, etc., and developed a call schedule for practices and make up games. And yes, there was a mom to keep me abreast of all the drama during and after games.

After all if all the parents are involved in their assignments then there are fewer opportunities to complain about the manager. All these helped in achieving success but did I get the success I desired? Not completely because I forgot to do one important thing. AND that will be revealed at subsequent blog.


Ask Coach John: Problem with playing time

Coach John: Our coach plays favorites. He doesn’t substitute players and continues to reward his favorites even when they make mistakes and exhibit bad behavior like throwing bats, gloves, and screaming remarks to the umpire or the opposing team. We are somewhat reticent to approach him for fear of making it worse. Do you have any suggestions?